Interview With a Couple I Admire

I recently interviewed a couple to see whether or not they felt mostly positive about each other, or mostly negative about each other.  They say they have positive feelings toward each other.  It hasn’t always been that way.  In the beginning of their marriage it was characterized by negative sentiment override.  When the wife thought of the husband she was mostly frustrated with what she viewed as his selfishness and his lack of interest in the family.  He would spend all of his free time taking care of himself, and doing things he enjoyed doing by himself.  She was left to take care of their five young children, and was often busy from six in the morning until two in the morning, and then would have to get up in the night with the kids.  Her husband didn’t realize that she was so overwhelmed, and family things didn’t come naturally to him.  He had a lot of good qualities, but the wife couldn’t see them.  As time went on the wife prayed for relief of her negative feelings.  She also tried talking to her spouse about her feelings, but that usually turned into an all-out fight.  She had to learn to tell her husband exactly what she needed from him on a day to day basis.  The husband started getting better at doing family stuff, and household chores.  Heavenly Father lifted all negative feelings for her husband from her, and she began seeing all of his positive qualities.  She also learned to vocalize her gratitude for all the things he started doing, so that he knew that it did make a difference to her.

The husband never complained about the wife, and I don’t know what his thoughts toward his wife were during the beginning of their marriage.

They both have positive thoughts for each other now.  They have been married for twenty years now, and are incredibly happy.

Gottman says that strong marriages have strong friendship as a defining characteristic.  He says that “mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company.  They tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in the little ways day in and day out.”  This sounds like a dream marriage, but definitely attainable!